As the summer draws to a close I always like to look back and give credit where credit is due. In my business you are always looking for new and creative ways to torture and torment souls and this year I really need to tip my hat to your industry. It is the airline industry that is at the forefront of innovative and diabolical ways to really drive people insane and I clearly have a lot to learn from you.
Coach Passengers As A Weight Balance For First Class
At first I looked at First Class and thought what is going on? Comfortable seats, food, friendly service? How is this torturous? But now I get it, let a few enjoy so the vast majority suffer. As history has shown, people hate being segregated. You give a small group of “haves” real seats, with actual leg room and then make the rest of the “have nots” walk right through this group to see what their flight could be like if they weren’t such failures in life. Of course, coach passengers can’t complain, they should know they are just the cargo to weight balance the plane for First Class.
Who Ever Invented the Reclining Seat Deserves A Promotion
If there has ever been a better torture device than the reclining coach seat, I would love to see it. I mean, really, what more can you say about this piece of genius. Here is a shot one of my minions snap of a guy in coach, with the chair in front of him in the full upright position –
Legs touching the seat in front of him, just barely enough room to actually sit down. Of course the real fun is the mental anguish the passengers go through wondering when that seat will come flying back, crushing their knees and forcing them to wish spontaneous combustion on the passenger in front of them. Then human nature really gets tested. Does this create a domino effect, with person after person crushing the passenger behind them to try to save their own legs? Oh man, this is just pure genius. Humans turning on fellow humans, anxiety, anticipation, the lack of ability to ever feel secure in your leg room…. I am just so jealous I didn’t invent this.
The Real Fun Starts Before You Even Board the Plane
I think we both understand that physical torture will get you only so far. The real key to tormenting is messing with their minds. What’s the best and most efficient way to board a plane? Back to front of course…so clearly you can’t do that. You could just randomly board the plane for maximum chaos, but that would not mess with their minds enough. No, your approach is far better.
You start with the “Chosen Ones” AKA First Class. That is a given, you need to show the majority of the passengers that it is the vast minority that you care most about. Then you give out group numbers for boarding, which seem to be back to front. Passengers think boarding will be orderly, when of course you are just messing with their minds. Before you board back to front, you have to board Priority Access, Club Members, People Who Paid Extra For Priority Boarding, People Who Used The Right Credit Card and People With Extra Large carry-on bags. Okay, I am not sure about that last one, but from experience, that must be an option when buying your ticket.
Nothing drives people more crazy than trying to get to the last row of the plane but being stopped by a guy in Row 3 who got to board early and is trying to stuff two oversizes bags into the overhead. After all, why pay to check a bag when you can take up cabin space and delay fellow passengers for free? Now you are really messing with their minds, turning passenger against passenger, creating the perfect climate for torment!
Nickel and Dime Them To Death
Humans just hate being charged for things that should be free, so it is so smart that you charge them extra for everything. Want an Exit Row seat, a seat toward the front, priority seating, WiFi, Movies – yep, pay the fee. This is a great, slow form of torture. Little by little, you are eating away at their sanity, chipping away at their dignity. I am so impressed. Of course, the Piece de Resistance is charging for food…
For a while I thought nothing could be more torturous than airline food, but I must now admit, I was wrong. Starvation is far more effective than bad food. By removing meals from the plane, you create a cabin of grumpy and hungry people. Then you walk by and offer them over-priced snacks to test their will. Cave in and buy what should be included in the ticket price or do they let their blood sugar plummet as they attempt to hold on to their dignity. Either way, you win. Seats flying back, knees being smashed, starved passengers – a real recipe for disaster. I really need to start enacting some of their techniques in my business.
Trap Them In The Plane If All Else Fails
If somehow none of the above produces the right amount of screams and cries, you do have some great wildcards you throw in there to shake things up. Delays, missed connections and my personal favorite – Trap’em On The Tarmac. Maybe get them in early, give that false hope of escaping with their sanity, then make the announcement “We are just waiting for a gate“. Sit on the tarmac for 3 hours, letting the passengers see how close they are to freedom…man you guys are good. Did you have a team of consultants come up with this technique? I really need to get their number.
Still Some Room For Improvement
As much as you have done so well in the torture and torment department, there is still room for improvement. Turn off electronics during take off? You could do better – how about electronics must stay on at all times and at full volume. Give them cell phone service and watch 300 people all have different, meaningless conversations.
And what is with the AC? Really, for coach passengers too? Air conditioning should be a pay add-on at best. I have found all torture techniques increase 10 fold for every degree over 90 you can get the main cabin.
Emergency Exits without toll gates? What’t the deal with that? Make them pay if they want to get out of the plane in an emergency, put a price on their life, see how much it is really worth to them. Fine, you want to be generous, give them a free transfer to the life raft if they pay the toll at the Emergency Exit…you are charging for the life rafts, right?
Overall, I have to say Airline Industry, I am impressed. I will be implementing many of these techniques in my line of work and can’t wait to see how you will innovate and trail blaze in the torture game in 2014!
The Devil is widely regarded as the leading expert in torture and torment. He has consulted with leading airlines, phone companies and cable providers. While he spends much of his time in Washington, DC these days, negotiating deals for politicians, his real passion is blogging. The Devil feels the internet and social media provide an unprecedented avenue for torture and torment and hopes to spread his message through blogging.
The Devil can be reached at “Devil @ DadDoes.Com”
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